I would appreciate help revising, especially with "Blue Windbreaker Jacket." Thanks.
Blue Windbreaker Jacket
I slept on your jacket accidentally.
Your blue windbreaker jacket.
The one with the black edges
fraying with old age,
pulling effortlessly apart
like the ragged rope toy
of a strong-jawed dog.
It leaves little string bits
for me to step on.
The one with the crisp hue
still virgin, somehow. The one
with the swish swish fabric
that clicks along
with your bicycle.
I can always hear you
down the hallway.
Swish swish.
Much too much large for you
as it’s always been.
And it will always be, I feel,
that same tent shape:
A room for you.
One time I remember particularly well-
you
and your jacket.
It was at your feet
by your blue backpack
by your blue shoes
(I think you might’ve liked blue)
and you were hunched.
I could count
the shallow gaps between
the broad lines of your back.
I wanted to trace them with my black, edged fingernails
and sit across from you.
That is all really.
That is all.
You were quiet, and there it was.
Your blue windbreaker jacket.
Blockade
The pads of my feet gently touch
upon the tile in the dimly lit kitchen
soaked in grease and boot polish.
I can hear them talking, harshly whispering
the dribble coming down from their mouths.
I can hear the click of the duty belt coming undone,
the gun’s muzzle hitting the plastic tabletop.
My heart peaks but my breath softens and slows.
The manipulated breathing is a tool, a skill
that one must perfect in order to be here.
It must be utilized well to eavesdrop on the scenes
you never observe with your eyes.
It must be utilized well to uncover the truth
you never truly wanted to know.
I do not swallow, I cannot.
I lean closer, and as gently as I came,
walk on my toes up the stairs
to employ another tool:
the erasing of memory
through the torture of the body
at the bathroom sink.
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Blue Windbreaker Jacket.
ReplyDeleteI know you love the line breaks. They are perfect for the way you think of the poem in your head; they do well in explaining your thought process, or perhaps the way you breathe when you read it aloud. Some of them almost mimic the swishing of the jacket - but -
have you ever tried eliminating them?
In this particular poem, I mean.
Especially in the couplets that are singular sentences (3rd and 6th sections) and the longer descriptive bits (2nd, 4th, 5th, 7th, 8th, and 9th sections)- yeah, most of the poem. I don't mean eliminate /all/ of the line breaks - some of them, the ones that mimic the jacket itself (in the 3rd section) and the lines at the end of some sections(swish swish, a room for you, that is all) should be definitely left less rearranged than the others - and in the case of the lines at the end, those should remain on lines of their own.
You should just try it; put the words together on the page - see what it looks like.
This will necessitate your fixing the repetition of "by;" while it's a pronounced piece of artistry, there isn't really enough of it in enough of a larger frame of poetry to make its intended impression. Your words are used well, but the structure of that particular poem needs some attention.
Blockade.
Now, this one has enough body to be able to sustain the line breaks. It wears its structure well, letting its form be lent even to the title. If you were going to heavily edit this one, it would have to be a line-by-line analysis, which isn't a fix that really lends itself to the convenience of a comment.
I like them both.
Was it a brilliant persian blue, or a school/primary colors blue, or a dusty familiar blue, or a friendly midnight?